Why?

Do you ever have those moments when you do something and wonder why you do it? That’s what I’m dealing with now. I find things I enjoy and then quit them and wonder why I quit them in the first place, like blogging.

Anyway, update… I’m still in college, still single, still worried that I’ll be a forever failure, still wondering what I’m going to do with my life, still wondering if anyone actually likes me or is just tolerating me, and still spacy all the time.

I’ve had two potential love interests and neither of wich lasted long. Once they find out I’m not your “typical girl” and that a relationship with me requires effort, they usually jet real quick. So, I’m trying not to get my hopes up when someone seems interested in me.

Things like that make me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Is there something I’m missing? I don’t know if it’s related or not, but usually around the same time a guy decides I’m too much work, I fall back into a depressive state of mind. Anger and reclusiveness usually follow as well. I don’t mean to but it just happens.

My natural reaction to this is to put up more walls and block more people out. That’s what I want so badly to do but I know that will only make things worse. I try to remind myself that it’s not all bad and that the right guy will come along soon but I think my heart has realized that my brain doesn’t actually believe what it’s saying. I’m trying not to get down. It’s just so difficult when practically everyone around you either has a boyfriend/girlfriend or has someone they’re interested in/someone interested in them. I get so tired of hearing about everyone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that after a while it seems like they’re rubbing it in. I highly doubt that is their intention, it just seems that way sometimes.

So here I sit again, wondering when I’ll find someone, when I’ll finally be ok with my relationship status, and when I’ll understand why I do some of the stupid things I do like get mad, reclusive, and depressed over small things.

I guess I’ll just immerse myself in weightlifting, music, and design until I can figure out how to deal with my issues.

Someone…

It’s been over a month since I’ve made a post. What a crazy month it’s been. There has been so much going on especially with school. It seems like everything got assigned at once and I got overwhelmed  quickly.

Being busy was a nice distraction for the time being. I’m still trying to cope with not having a significant other. I want more than anything to have a meaningful relationship with someone but the more I try, the more lonely I become. I try to convince myself that I’m fine and I don’t really need anyone. It’s not long before my heart catches up and reminds me that I really do want someone.

This isn’t just needing the status of being in a relationship. I could honestly care less about that. What I really want is someone to spend time with. Someone that is interested in me and I in them. Someone that I can talk to and vent my thoughts to without fearing that they’ll think I’m stupid or over emotional. Someone to do the little things with like visit coffee shops or go on hikes or heck even fish with. Someone that shares some of my interests but has interests of their own as well. Someone just to sit with, not needing to talk, just hanging out. Someone with goals and aspirations in life. Someone who loves Christ and is active in church. Someone I connect with. Someone to just do life with. The rest of the “typical relationship” stuff I don’t care about.

The more I think about all that the more I crave it. I try not to dwell on it. Most days I do a good job of that. But tonight as I sit and listen to the rain and scroll through Facebook and see all my friends getting engaged, married, or celebrating years of being with their significant other, it reminds me of what I crave. So to keep my mind off of it, I’ll watch a bunch of shows on Netflix and do some online window-shopping.

Waiting For The Outcome

These past couple weeks have been great. Very little struggles. But tonight, I’m struggling. Not in the sense that my life is a wreck and I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m struggling with loneliness. There’s no one here that I’ve found that I can connect with. Not to mention I’m still struggling with being OK being single.

The last couple of days I’ve been constantly reminded that I’m not connecting with anyone and if I want to do something I have to do it alone. I’d honestly rather do the things I enjoy alone than with someone who doesn’t get me or that I don’t really click with. I’ve met people here that I get along with and can talk to but none that really get me.

I don’t know if it’s the time of year or what but as soon as the weather turned cooler the struggle to be OK with being single got incredibly more difficult. There’s guys that I could definitely date but none that I really want to spend time with. If I wanted to I could just have someone to date but that’s not what I’m after. I want a life partner. Someone I feel at home with and can trust.

With all that being said, I keep being reminded of how perfect my last relationship was. We understood each other, we shared many interests, I actually wanted to spend time with him and talk to him, I wanted to get to know him better even though we already knew a lot about each other, and the list goes on. He was everything that I want in a man.

Sometimes I wonder why in the world I was allowed to be in that relationship. Was it just to taunt me? To show me what I really wanted? I haven’t a clue and it bothers the living daylights out of me. I wonder why I’m still dealing with this much pain from such a short lived relationship. If God knew that I would fall head over heels over someone that I couldn’t be with, why would he allow me to even be in the relationship in the first place?

In all this I’m trying my hardest to be positive. I’m trying to be open to what I’m supposed to learn in this, but it’s so difficult. Waiting and being patient are not my strong suits as you can probably tell from my past posts. So as I look around at all the happy couples and the newlyweds, I’ll keep trying to trust and keep trying to have faith that this will work out for my good. I don’t understand why at the moment but hopefully I will soon.

I Hate Waiting…

Adjusting to a new place is difficult. Especially when you struggle to make friends. As an introvert, I don’t just look for anyone to befriend. I can’t be around people that drain me, so that cuts down the possible friend pool a lot.

As I look around at all the other new and transfer students making friends and even finding boyfriends/girlfriends I can’t help but wish I was like that. I wish that sometimes I wasn’t as picky or as particular about who I was willing to spend time with. I wish I were more approachable. I wish I was better at conversation. The list goes on and on. These situations tend to make me feel ashamed to be an introvert. Why can’t I be more like those around me? More like my sister who can talk to anyone and is super approachable.

I know that’s not a healthy way to think but sometimes I can’t help it. Knowing that there are others like me who need time alone, are particular about who they spend their time with, and that aren’t perfect at conversations. Even though we may not have what society thinks is the “ideal personality” we have our gifts and we all compliment each other in different ways.

Trying to be ok with my introverted nature in a world that values extroversion is difficult. I struggle with it some days and others I’m perfectly ok with it. Trying to explain my thought process and needs to new people is both annoying and fun.

In the end, I feel like I value my friendships more because of the work that is put in them, not to say that other’s friendships aren’t as valuable to them. Learning how to be myself in a world that wants me to me different has taught me many lessons and made me stronger in some areas.

I just need to remember that I was created this way for a reason. There is some plan for my life that would not have worked if I had a different personality or background. I just need to be patient and wait for that plan to be shown to me however long it takes.

(Images from Bing)

Gone

Remember those times when you feel like you’ve been away or busy for what seems like forever? That’s been this month for me. The first week was all prep for the weeks to come. The second week I agreed to house sit for some friends while they vacationed. While I was doing that I was also working a temporary job moving a store to a new location. So I was not only living in someone else’s house I was also doing a new job working 9+ hours a day. Since I’m a student, working that many hours was different for me. After I finished that I went on vacation with my entire family. I love spending time with them but sometimes they drive me nuts.

After I got back from that, I along with several other adults took 19 teens from our church to camp. They packed a weeks worth of activities into 40 hours, so it was a whirlwind weekend.

Then, in the midst of all that craziness, I got a phone call from my admissions counselor telling me that I have officially been admitted AND got a $10,000 a year scholarship! I am now on my way to doing something I love at a college that I feel comfortable and enjoy being at. Only 62 more days until move in day!

After being gone and surrounded by lots of people out of my normal environment, I am exhausted. I had a great time experiencing new things, spending time with those I love, and seeing teens grow in their walk with Christ. However, I had to be on around 90% of the time. All you introverts can feel my pain. My sister (a super extrovert) just keeps going. She invited me to hang out at my aunt’s house this evening but I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything but sit here. I’m more mentally “there” than I was yesterday after returning from camp but I’m not completely recovered from it all. Then tomorrow I have a procedure at 6:15 that I’m kind of nervous about so that just adds to it all. Hopefully after I recover from that I’ll be back to normal or at least closer to normal that I am now.

I’m trying to enjoy my time at home while I can because I don’t know how much I’ll get to be here while I’m in school. I’m very excited to begin this new journey but I am so nervous to basically start over socially.

Finally…

I have some exciting news! After months of being unhappy with where I was at in life and being unhappy with my choice of major, I’ve finally settled on one and am so excited about it!

For two years I thought for sure I was supposed to be a music composition major with voice as my main instrument. I spent that time taking the necessary classes and meeting all the requirements. But, for some reason, the more I got into that program, the more unhappy and stressed I became. Don’t get me wrong, I still love music, I just don’t think that getting a career in that field is what I want to do with my life.

After deciding that stress, health problems, grumpiness, and over all unhappiness was not what I wanted in my life every day, I set out to find not only what I wanted to major in but also where I wanted to be. I definitely think that the school you go to has an a part in all that as well. So the next several months I researched schools, majors, and even what other INFJ’s did. I think I’ve taken every free career assessment test known to man. Looking up what other INFJ’s did was basically unproductive because duh, we are all different people. Just because we have the same personality profile doesn’t mean we will all have the same jobs.

So, fast forward to this month. I decided that after I finished this spring semester I would take the summer off from classes and really try to nail down what it was I wanted to do. I’ve looked at several colleges and spoken to several professors from those colleges but only one stood out. So we took a day and went to visit.

It was such a great place! I’m used to small schools since I came from a small private school background so the fact that this one is only a few thousand students makes it that much more appealing. I also made sure to meet with several of the professors I had emailed previously and they are all very welcoming! However, one program stood out to me the most, Digital Media.

It’s no secret, especially among those I’m closest to, that I have a wide range of interests and hobbies. I can be a techie when I want to be  and I can go as far as being into sports like when I was in high school and even theater. With digital media I can combine almost all of the things I’m most interested in. They (the professors) want you to be proficient or at least very knowledgeable in 5 aspects of digital media. Some of those are graphic design, typography, photography, videography, web design, animation, and so forth. You can also choose a specialization like graphic design, web design and coding, and a few others that I can’t remember, but you don’t have to have to follow any of those tracks. That’s where I come in. I will just be doing the digital media degree but I’ll be taking some classes in graphic design, photography, typography, and probably a few others so I’ll have a variety of things that I am capable of doing. I’ll also finish up the classes I have left to get a music minor.

Along with the DM classes,the school offers positions on the newspaper and the magazine they write and some are paid! So I can get experience along with learning, which I think is invaluable.

Along those lines, one of the things I like most about the school and the DM program is they have tons of contacts. So when I graduate or even while I’m still in school, they are able to put me into contact with people in that field so I can get a job or at least some experience in that area. Networking isn’t one of my strengths so I’m pumped that I’ll be going to a school that will help me in that area.

This school and program are definitely the right fit for me and I’m so excited to start this new journey in my life!

Saturday Night Concert

Last weekend my church hosted a benefit concert for my former high school. It was cool being involved in that and actually getting to open for the main band.

These shots aren’t my best work but it was fun shooting and being in front of the camera for once (thank’s mom).

You want THAT job??

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” “What do you want to do when you get into college?” “What’s your major?” “Why do you change your major so much?” “Are you ever just going to pick something?” “You’re just going to be a professional student, aren’t you?”

I have heard every one of these questions and others from the time I was little up until today, more so now that I’ve made it evident that I’m not sure what direction I want to go with my life.

Everyone and just about every post or book I’ve read about finding the “right job” for me has mentioned or alluded to the question “As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?” A seemingly simple question, right? Wrong. Even as a child I jumped from things like Veterinarian to a famous singer. I never really stuck to just one future occupation. And those are just things I remember. There is a lot of time from my childhood that is missing from my memory. I have no idea why but I just can’t remember what I was really drawn to.

[Me as a child. Maybe I should be a cow?? I think I could pull it off!]

Growing up, I lived a pretty sheltered childhood. There were several things that were a norm in my life because of my family’s occupations and/or interests. Teaching; several of my family members are/were teachers. Nursing; my mother is a nurse. Music; my grandma is musically inclined. Sports; they were pushed because there wasn’t much else for me to do as a kid. Animals; we’ve always had several different animals and were required to take care of them. So, naturally I would explore those things because the people I was around most knew a lot about them. Now that I’m older and able to explore more things, especially things in the arts, people are getting concerned. I never mentioned those things or tried those kinds of things because there was never an opportunity to learn about them. I was surrounded by a few select things that my family knew and that was it.

Now that I actually have to make some sort of decision people are saying “well I don’t ever remember you being interested in that” at just about everything I mention other than a Vet,  Teacher, or Nurse. Any of those things are acceptable because they are secure jobs, jobs that are always needed. Job security is nice but that’s not what I’m after. Also, with our ever changing society, we don’t know what will actually be around in 10 years outside of just a guess.

Not only do I get those statements but I get “well that won’t make you any money” or “I want you to be able to support yourself and you can’t do that with a job like that“. So, my financial status is much more important than my mental and emotional health?

I realize that getting a job that makes lots of money over a job that you like is a generational difference between me and most of the people telling me these things. But, I also look at some of these people and see how much stress they’re under and how much their job has affected their health because it’s just that much of a chore to do. I do not want that for my life. At all. I would much rather live on a salary that will get me by (pay the bills, put food on the table, etc) than be in the hospital or doctors office all the time because my job is killing me. (I’d end up spending all the extra money I had on prescriptions and hospital/doctor bills)

I guess now that I have the opportunity to explore things, that’s what I want to do. Checking out new things and learning about potential occupations is interesting to me. Now, I’m not just going to explore for the rest of my life (in the sense that I never really pick something and am always mooching off of my family) I’m going to pick something eventually. I just want to make sure it’s the right thing so I don’t have to spend all my time sick or miserable. I want to be able to spend time with family and friends and be able to enjoy it. I want to have time and energy to do other things outside of work that bring me joy or that interest me. I want to be able to continue to explore and expand my knowledge. But I can’t do that if I’m always working or always miserable because of a job I hate.

My family means well, I know. They want me to succeed and not have to depend on them or a man for anything. Will they help me if I need help, definitely. I want those things for me too. However, I want to really live my life and not just get through it. I want to make the most of every day and enjoy the time I have and I don’t think I can do that with a dead end job that makes me hate life. This is why I am making a big deal about picking a major and career. This is why I want to take all the time I can to make a wise decision. I’ve seen the effects of just working for the money and I don’t want that for me.

Zap… Flash… Boom

While I was working I got the notification that storms were moving my way. Normal people would seek shelter… but not me. I got so pumped and couldn’t wait to get off work and get some shots in. I got the first three in before the rain started and the last ones were after things had passed. It was a pretty good storm but thankfully not what the weather guys said it would be. Lots of rain, wind, and hail but no tornado.

The shots of lightning took some patience. Out of almost 750 pictures these are the only ones that I actually caught something in. Most of them looked like this

Mostly they were just dark clouds with the occasional car passing. But all the continuous shooting, patience, luck, and deleting were worth it to get those shots of lightning.

The Best Vacation

“What’s the best vacation you’ve ever had?”

Every year my family and I take a trip somewhere, usually to a beach of some sort. I have many fond memories of being at the beach and exploring all the different places surrounding the beach. However, I wouldn’t consider any of those trips to be the best vacation I’ve ever had.

When I was about 10 years old, my grandparents decided we were going to take a trip to Gatlinburg that year. Up until that year it had always just been my grandparents and I taking short weekend trips to places like the Zoo or Six Flags. This trip was different. Not only were we taking a week-long trip, we were going to be in another state and my little sister was coming too.

My sister, Kara, and I are very different people. That has been evident from birth. I don’t know if it was because of different life circumstances or what but when she was little she was a serious home-body. She would not leave our mom’s side. This was the first time she had ever been away from home and mom and dad for more than just one night. I, on the other hand, have always loved being on the move; staying at friends and family’s houses, trips, etc (I’ve grown into more of a home body now that I’m older and she is almost always gone now. Funny how things change). So, for little Kara, this trip was a HUGE step.

The trip down to Tennessee wasn’t that bad (beside’s the fact that we had to climb mountains in our SUV and I thought we might flip over and die). But, once we got settled in the condo, the realization that we weren’t going back home for several days set in and Kara started to panic. I don’t remember how long she cried but all she wanted was her Daddy and Mommy. She could not understand why they couldn’t come. I, on the other hand, was thrilled that we were in the mountains for the first time in my life and we were staying in an ENORMOUS (to me) house! Thankfully, after that first night she calmed down and we resumed arguing like young siblings do.

Later that week was when the real fun started. My grandparents had scoped out some of the attractions ahead of time so they could give us some ideas of what there was to do in the area. There were shows, little “theme park” type places, trails to hike, and best of all… the Alpine Slide. I don’t remember what day we went there but I fondly remember how much fun that was. We were taken to the top of the “slide” on a ski lift. I had never been on a ski lift so there was yet another first for me. Once we made it to the top we were told how to operate the little cars and what to expect while on the slide. I put slide in quotations because it’s not actually a slide that you sit on your bottom and slide down like we typically think. This was a concrete trail down the mountain that you drove a little car down. As a 10 year old (and even now), that was so cool. Both Kara and I got to drive our own cars. We were officially “big girls”.

The rest of the week we got to ride different things like a giant ski lift-type car suspended over part of the city (I think it was called Uber Gatlinberg) and explore things more. We could also just hang out at the rental house which had 3 floors and plenty of things to do. I still remember quite vividly, all the features of the house, the breathtaking view of the mountains, and one specific smell. I don’t remember where it came from but I’ve smelled it many times since that trip and it always brings me back.

That trip was full of many firsts and great experiences that I’ll never forget. The fact that my grandparents have given us the opportunity and privilege to explore this great country every year just warms my heart. They are amazing people, great role models, my cheerleaders, mentors, and friends. The impact that they’ve had on my life is huge. I would not be who I am or where I am without them, no doubt. They’ve given and shared so many great memories like this one and continue to do so to this day. Reminiscing about this trip makes me excited to find out where we are going this year.

Here are a couple pictures from one of our more recent vacations to the beach. My aunt, uncle, and cousins got to join us that year. This is a pretty accurate representation of all of us. LOL

Until next time,

KP