Creativity Struggle

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Creativity is amazing. Especially when the ideas are flowing and they’re good ideas. Unfortunately, those things don’t always happen. For me, the good ideas come but I don’t like them normally. I’m very critical of my own work. There are only a few things that I’ve made that I’ve been happy with. This usually ends up in a massive mind battle.

Here’s a little insight into how my mind works. I’ll create something, whether it’s for a class or just for fun, and nine times out of ten I’ll hate it. No matter how many times someone says it’s a good idea or looks great, I can’t get my mind to stop telling me how terrible I am. It literally could be the best thing I’ve ever made and I can somehow find some way to make it seem terrible. The only thing worse is when I make something that is obviously terrible and I really worked hard on it.

Lately, I’ve been trying to drown this firestorm of horrible thoughts out with music, particularly rock music. This has helped in the past but my internal voice has cranked up the volume since then I guess. The only thing that has helped so far is to distract myself with more work.

I really just want to not hate my work so much. There will still be things that I make that I don’t like but surely it won’t be 90% of what I produce. How does one go about liking their own work or at least not hating it? Then my next question is, how do I make my brain stop talking to me for a while? I know, I sound psycho.

 

Why?

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Do you ever have those moments when you do something and wonder why you do it? That’s what I’m dealing with now. I find things I enjoy and then quit them and wonder why I quit them in the first place, like blogging.

Anyway, update… I’m still in college, still single, still worried that I’ll be a forever failure, still wondering what I’m going to do with my life, still wondering if anyone actually likes me or is just tolerating me, and still spacy all the time.

I’ve had two potential love interests and neither of wich lasted long. Once they find out I’m not your “typical girl” and that a relationship with me requires effort, they usually jet real quick. So, I’m trying not to get my hopes up when someone seems interested in me.

Things like that make me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Is there something I’m missing? I don’t know if it’s related or not, but usually around the same time a guy decides I’m too much work, I fall back into a depressive state of mind. Anger and reclusiveness usually follow as well. I don’t mean to but it just happens.

My natural reaction to this is to put up more walls and block more people out. That’s what I want so badly to do but I know that will only make things worse. I try to remind myself that it’s not all bad and that the right guy will come along soon but I think my heart has realized that my brain doesn’t actually believe what it’s saying. I’m trying not to get down. It’s just so difficult when practically everyone around you either has a boyfriend/girlfriend or has someone they’re interested in/someone interested in them. I get so tired of hearing about everyone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that after a while it seems like they’re rubbing it in. I highly doubt that is their intention, it just seems that way sometimes.

So here I sit again, wondering when I’ll find someone, when I’ll finally be ok with my relationship status, and when I’ll understand why I do some of the stupid things I do like get mad, reclusive, and depressed over small things.

I guess I’ll just immerse myself in weightlifting, music, and design until I can figure out how to deal with my issues.

Someone…

It’s been over a month since I’ve made a post. What a crazy month it’s been. There has been so much going on especially with school. It seems like everything got assigned at once and I got overwhelmed  quickly.

Being busy was a nice distraction for the time being. I’m still trying to cope with not having a significant other. I want more than anything to have a meaningful relationship with someone but the more I try, the more lonely I become. I try to convince myself that I’m fine and I don’t really need anyone. It’s not long before my heart catches up and reminds me that I really do want someone.

This isn’t just needing the status of being in a relationship. I could honestly care less about that. What I really want is someone to spend time with. Someone that is interested in me and I in them. Someone that I can talk to and vent my thoughts to without fearing that they’ll think I’m stupid or over emotional. Someone to do the little things with like visit coffee shops or go on hikes or heck even fish with. Someone that shares some of my interests but has interests of their own as well. Someone just to sit with, not needing to talk, just hanging out. Someone with goals and aspirations in life. Someone who loves Christ and is active in church. Someone I connect with. Someone to just do life with. The rest of the “typical relationship” stuff I don’t care about.

The more I think about all that the more I crave it. I try not to dwell on it. Most days I do a good job of that. But tonight as I sit and listen to the rain and scroll through Facebook and see all my friends getting engaged, married, or celebrating years of being with their significant other, it reminds me of what I crave. So to keep my mind off of it, I’ll watch a bunch of shows on Netflix and do some online window-shopping.

Waiting For The Outcome

These past couple weeks have been great. Very little struggles. But tonight, I’m struggling. Not in the sense that my life is a wreck and I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m struggling with loneliness. There’s no one here that I’ve found that I can connect with. Not to mention I’m still struggling with being OK being single.

The last couple of days I’ve been constantly reminded that I’m not connecting with anyone and if I want to do something I have to do it alone. I’d honestly rather do the things I enjoy alone than with someone who doesn’t get me or that I don’t really click with. I’ve met people here that I get along with and can talk to but none that really get me.

I don’t know if it’s the time of year or what but as soon as the weather turned cooler the struggle to be OK with being single got incredibly more difficult. There’s guys that I could definitely date but none that I really want to spend time with. If I wanted to I could just have someone to date but that’s not what I’m after. I want a life partner. Someone I feel at home with and can trust.

With all that being said, I keep being reminded of how perfect my last relationship was. We understood each other, we shared many interests, I actually wanted to spend time with him and talk to him, I wanted to get to know him better even though we already knew a lot about each other, and the list goes on. He was everything that I want in a man.a14ce61b8ebb20e0db1dc4e85aab748f

Sometimes I wonder why in the world I was allowed to be in that relationship. Was it just to taunt me? To show me what I really wanted? I haven’t a clue and it bothers the living daylights out of me. I wonder why I’m still dealing with this much pain from such a short lived relationship. If God knew that I would fall head over heels over someone that I couldn’t be with, why would he allow me to even be in the relationship in the first place?

In all this I’m trying my hardest to be positive. I’m trying to be open to what I’m supposed to learn in this, but it’s so difficult. Waiting and being patient are not my strong suits as you can probably tell from my past posts. So as I look around at all the happy couples and the newlyweds, I’ll keep trying to trust and keep trying to have faith that this will work out for my good. I don’t understand why at the moment but hopefully I will soon.

Not Easy But Worth It

Waiting does not come easily to me. I am not patient. When something needs to be done, most of the time I’ll just do it myself. I’d rather make sure it gets done right (my version of right) and on time (on my time table). So waiting for someone else to do something is like nails on a chalkboard to me (yes, I’m a bit of a control freak unfortunately). I’ve had the lovely experience of having to wait here recently and I don’t think the situation will be resolved any time soon.

I have been single for a while now so naturally I’m getting kind of lonely. In my last post I talked about all the new things a new semester brings, new relationships being one of them. I’m at a new place with new people so I of course want to be in a new relationship too. I got to the point that I was just finding guys to add in the hopes that one of them would notice and take a liking to me(much to my chagrin). After reading a devotional about dating I was slapped in the face with how petty and impatient I was being.

One of the things I was raised on is that the man should be the pursuer. Call me old-fashioned, I don’t care. In my past experiences of me trying to pursue a guy it’s always ended badly. So I made the decision to not pursue (obviously I’ve had a few mental relapses since those days). I was reminded of this in the devotional I was reading. There’s probably a reason why I’m not in a relationship right now. Maybe it’s just not the right time. Maybe there’s things in me that need to be worked out before I can take on being in a relationship with someone. Maybe the person I’m supposed to marry needs some work. I feel like it’s mostly me that needs the work but it could be both of us.

I really like what she wrote in the devotion about waiting “Men trust God by risking rejection, women trust God by waiting.” I don’t know where she heard or read that but I like it. Does this mean that women should just coldheartedly tell a guy to shove off if she’s not interested? No. Does that give the guy the right to bad mouth or threaten the girl because she doesn’t want to date? No. What I’m saying here is that both parties should be focused on God solely so that when something doesn’t go as we would hope it’s not a huge issue. We trust God to teach us something through it and bring us to what he has in store for us (it’s always a trillion times better than our plans anyway). When he brings someone into our life and he reveals to us that this is the person we will be with for the rest of our life then go for it. Both parties should then make their relationship reflect Christ’s love for the church.

So waiting in essence is preparing both of us to be the people God has called us to be. Maybe we need to experience some things that we wouldn’t otherwise if we were in a relationship. In my opinion, God is allowing us to go through things to make us into the people we need to be both for Him and for our future spouse. Some people are ready quicker than others and that’s OK. I don’t think I would be in the place I am now if I was in a serious relationship. There’s a chance I would’ve chosen a career because the school closest to my significant other offered something that I was somewhat interested in. But instead, I was able to just pack up and move and be in a place where I feel at home. I feel like I belong here and that I’m doing what I was made to do. Maybe the same is for my future spouse. Who knows. I just need to become more comfortable with waiting until God brings the right man into my life. Thankfully, being introverted, I’m ok with being by myself. But, having someone to call my own that is solely interested in me would be nice. It’s just not the time for that now.

This week so far has been easier mentally now that I’ve come to accept the fact that I’ll have to wait on a man. I’m free to do the things that I want to do when I want to do them. I can focus on my classes and activities without having to be concerned with someone else. Over all, I’m trying to view this time as a blessing and trying not to waste it. It’s not easy but I believe in the long-run it will be worth it.

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(Image from Bing)

Learning To Love Me

A new semester brings all kinds of new things. New classes, new routines, new places, new friends, and new relationships.

Being an INFJ relationships don’t come easy. I’m not one that can just go out there and meet new people in one night then have lifelong friends from then on out. I take time to get to know people and I won’t just put myself out there. It makes me kind of jealous to see those people who can just strike up a conversation with anyone. I can’t do that. When I want to talk to someone I don’t know I get really nervous and my mind blanks. So unless I notice someone doing something I am familiar with or talking to someone I know I can’t just go be buddy buddy with them.

Also, being 23 and almost finished with college I’m starting to get lonely and worried. I know I have plenty of time to meet people and settle down. Sometimes I just want to start on that whole forever thing so I have more time to spend with the person I’m supposed to be with for life. So that brings me to a point where I’m just torn. I don’t want to go out and waste energy and time for potentially nothing. But, I also want to go out and meet people. This seems to be my dilemma 90% of the time.

I just haven’t figured out how to not suck the life out of myself with parties and events but still meet people. Even though I’m introverted, I still want meaningful friendships and a relationship that I can see actually going somewhere. I will not just date someone just for the sake of dating. I’m not about wasting my time that way. I guess this is just another instance where being an introvert sucks. Trying to learn to love myself as I am in a world that views introverts in a negative light is difficult.

One Of Those Days

Today has been one of those days. I didn’t want to wake up. The class I had first thing this morning is awful. It was hot outside. Staying in bed sounded like an all together better idea. But I went and did life anyway.

My first thought was that it was the first class I had that just started me off in a bad mood. It’s another one of those classes where we’re just expected to know what’s going on and how to do everything so we’re just thrown into the mix. She gets pissed at us when we finish early because we didn’t put enough detail into the drawing. This is Drawing 1, we don’t know how to put proper detail into a drawing yet. Stick figures are the best I can do right now. I feel like I’d thrive in an animation class.

All day I’ve felt so irritated at everything and so mentally and physically exhausted. I felt like I slept as well as usual but for some reason that wasn’t enough to get me through the day. I tried to nap but couldn’t shut my mind down long enough to actually sleep.

Surprisingly I was motivated to run after classes finished. That helped a little. I still feel irritated but not as mentally exhausted.

I haven’t figured out what it is that’s bothering me. I’ve had a decent amount of time by myself. I’m not hungry. Maybe it’s just my body trying to adjust to this new routine. What ever the reason, it’s making me want to seclude myself even more than normal.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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