Why?

Do you ever have those moments when you do something and wonder why you do it? That’s what I’m dealing with now. I find things I enjoy and then quit them and wonder why I quit them in the first place, like blogging.

Anyway, update… I’m still in college, still single, still worried that I’ll be a forever failure, still wondering what I’m going to do with my life, still wondering if anyone actually likes me or is just tolerating me, and still spacy all the time.

I’ve had two potential love interests and neither of wich lasted long. Once they find out I’m not your “typical girl” and that a relationship with me requires effort, they usually jet real quick. So, I’m trying not to get my hopes up when someone seems interested in me.

Things like that make me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Is there something I’m missing? I don’t know if it’s related or not, but usually around the same time a guy decides I’m too much work, I fall back into a depressive state of mind. Anger and reclusiveness usually follow as well. I don’t mean to but it just happens.

My natural reaction to this is to put up more walls and block more people out. That’s what I want so badly to do but I know that will only make things worse. I try to remind myself that it’s not all bad and that the right guy will come along soon but I think my heart has realized that my brain doesn’t actually believe what it’s saying. I’m trying not to get down. It’s just so difficult when practically everyone around you either has a boyfriend/girlfriend or has someone they’re interested in/someone interested in them. I get so tired of hearing about everyone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that after a while it seems like they’re rubbing it in. I highly doubt that is their intention, it just seems that way sometimes.

So here I sit again, wondering when I’ll find someone, when I’ll finally be ok with my relationship status, and when I’ll understand why I do some of the stupid things I do like get mad, reclusive, and depressed over small things.

I guess I’ll just immerse myself in weightlifting, music, and design until I can figure out how to deal with my issues.

Decisions… And STRESS

In my first post I kind of touched on the fact that I am four years into college and don’t know what I really want to do with my life. I have an associates degree and am about two years out from a bachelor’s degree.

When I first started college I was so sure I was going to become a nurse. Then I realized what a HUGE responsibility that is. I can’t make quality decisions for myself so how can I make quality and potentially life or death decisions for my patients? So that got thrown out the window quickly. I admire those who are good nurses, it’s just not for me. After that I threw around a couple other ideas until I finally settled on music. I got 2 years into that and now I’m not even sure I want to do that anymore.

School has never been something I enjoy. I like the social aspect of it, believe it or not, but the stress of finals and huge papers or exams really does a number on my health. Plus, with a music major you have to do all the “normal” school stuff then practice and memorize songs/pieces and perform them. Also, with a music degree, you almost can’t get a job without a master’s degree so there’s more school involved with that. I don’t want to get into something and spend all that time and money on something I won’t truly enjoy doing.

You’re probably thinking, didn’t she just say she LOVED music? Yes, I did. However, I love the fun, free, and artistic side of it. I love playing with the band I’m in, putting on shows, learning new techniques, singing, and writing music when I want and the way I want. In music school you can’t always do that. When I’m there I have to do what they want me to do, adhere to their standards, and just keep putting out more and more music. I’m not a fast composer. I like to take my time on the things I do. Sometimes it turns out to be a larger piece and sometimes, like the last one I wrote, turns out to be just a two minute piece. For a composition class, I have to keep writing bigger and better things. Now, on the one hand, that’s a huge challenge and causes a lot of stress and loss of sleep. On the other hand, it forces me to rise to the occasion or fail. I’m a perfectionist especially in music so failure is not an option.

So, that brings me to where I’m at now. Do I stick with something I know I love but may grow to hate because of the stress and standards impressed upon me in music school. Or do I find something else and do music as a hobby.

I have the option to minor in music and I’m not far from it. But, if I get that minor, there’s not much I can do with it. It may make me more marketable in some areas and it may just be an extra thing I add to my resume in the future.

In lieu of this time of stress, I’ve been reading a book called 48 Days to the Work You Love by Dan Miller (the link to his website is here and the like to Amazon to purchase the book is here). So far it’s great. I’m re-evaluating my interests and passions and learning what “work, job, career, and vocation” really mean. I’ll update some of my progress along the way (I’m only 8 days in so far).

So that’s where I’m at currently. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my parents and I want to live a life I’m proud of. This is why I’m making such a big deal about this. But, I know when I get this all figured out I’ll be fine. But until then, I’m getting my hands on every resource for every potential major and speaking to everyone I know about this. Hopefully here soon I’ll be able to make a decision.

 

Until next time,

KP

p.s. the header image is not my own, I got it off of Bing.