Why?

Do you ever have those moments when you do something and wonder why you do it? That’s what I’m dealing with now. I find things I enjoy and then quit them and wonder why I quit them in the first place, like blogging.

Anyway, update… I’m still in college, still single, still worried that I’ll be a forever failure, still wondering what I’m going to do with my life, still wondering if anyone actually likes me or is just tolerating me, and still spacy all the time.

I’ve had two potential love interests and neither of wich lasted long. Once they find out I’m not your “typical girl” and that a relationship with me requires effort, they usually jet real quick. So, I’m trying not to get my hopes up when someone seems interested in me.

Things like that make me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Is there something I’m missing? I don’t know if it’s related or not, but usually around the same time a guy decides I’m too much work, I fall back into a depressive state of mind. Anger and reclusiveness usually follow as well. I don’t mean to but it just happens.

My natural reaction to this is to put up more walls and block more people out. That’s what I want so badly to do but I know that will only make things worse. I try to remind myself that it’s not all bad and that the right guy will come along soon but I think my heart has realized that my brain doesn’t actually believe what it’s saying. I’m trying not to get down. It’s just so difficult when practically everyone around you either has a boyfriend/girlfriend or has someone they’re interested in/someone interested in them. I get so tired of hearing about everyone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that after a while it seems like they’re rubbing it in. I highly doubt that is their intention, it just seems that way sometimes.

So here I sit again, wondering when I’ll find someone, when I’ll finally be ok with my relationship status, and when I’ll understand why I do some of the stupid things I do like get mad, reclusive, and depressed over small things.

I guess I’ll just immerse myself in weightlifting, music, and design until I can figure out how to deal with my issues.

Waiting For The Outcome

These past couple weeks have been great. Very little struggles. But tonight, I’m struggling. Not in the sense that my life is a wreck and I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m struggling with loneliness. There’s no one here that I’ve found that I can connect with. Not to mention I’m still struggling with being OK being single.

The last couple of days I’ve been constantly reminded that I’m not connecting with anyone and if I want to do something I have to do it alone. I’d honestly rather do the things I enjoy alone than with someone who doesn’t get me or that I don’t really click with. I’ve met people here that I get along with and can talk to but none that really get me.

I don’t know if it’s the time of year or what but as soon as the weather turned cooler the struggle to be OK with being single got incredibly more difficult. There’s guys that I could definitely date but none that I really want to spend time with. If I wanted to I could just have someone to date but that’s not what I’m after. I want a life partner. Someone I feel at home with and can trust.

With all that being said, I keep being reminded of how perfect my last relationship was. We understood each other, we shared many interests, I actually wanted to spend time with him and talk to him, I wanted to get to know him better even though we already knew a lot about each other, and the list goes on. He was everything that I want in a man.

Sometimes I wonder why in the world I was allowed to be in that relationship. Was it just to taunt me? To show me what I really wanted? I haven’t a clue and it bothers the living daylights out of me. I wonder why I’m still dealing with this much pain from such a short lived relationship. If God knew that I would fall head over heels over someone that I couldn’t be with, why would he allow me to even be in the relationship in the first place?

In all this I’m trying my hardest to be positive. I’m trying to be open to what I’m supposed to learn in this, but it’s so difficult. Waiting and being patient are not my strong suits as you can probably tell from my past posts. So as I look around at all the happy couples and the newlyweds, I’ll keep trying to trust and keep trying to have faith that this will work out for my good. I don’t understand why at the moment but hopefully I will soon.

Paralyzed

Do you ever have a sudden onset of anxiety for no reason? That was me earlier. I was sitting in the movie theater earlier with some of my family and I had the sudden onset of anxiety. I had made plans to go out with a friend a few hours after the movie and suddenly I was terrified to go. There was no reason for me to be afraid, he’s a very nice and trustworthy person but for some reason my gut was just churning at the thought of going out this evening.

When I was a kid I can remember having these types of feelings randomly. Most of the time I was in a place that was very safe and had no reason to be afraid. But for some reason I would just get very upset and want to hide or go to sleep. These episodes seemed to happen quite often in my childhood.

To this day, obviously, I still have these episodes. It’s been a long time since it’s happened and then all of a sudden it came back. I still have no idea why that happens. Sometimes I can just snap out of it and others it just takes me over. Thankfully this time I was able to suppress those feelings and make myself excited to go again. Then something came up and we rescheduled.

Does anyone else have these issues? I’m going to try to do some research to see if I can pinpoint what is causing this and how to make it stop.