Why?

Do you ever have those moments when you do something and wonder why you do it? That’s what I’m dealing with now. I find things I enjoy and then quit them and wonder why I quit them in the first place, like blogging.

Anyway, update… I’m still in college, still single, still worried that I’ll be a forever failure, still wondering what I’m going to do with my life, still wondering if anyone actually likes me or is just tolerating me, and still spacy all the time.

I’ve had two potential love interests and neither of wich lasted long. Once they find out I’m not your “typical girl” and that a relationship with me requires effort, they usually jet real quick. So, I’m trying not to get my hopes up when someone seems interested in me.

Things like that make me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Is there something I’m missing? I don’t know if it’s related or not, but usually around the same time a guy decides I’m too much work, I fall back into a depressive state of mind. Anger and reclusiveness usually follow as well. I don’t mean to but it just happens.

My natural reaction to this is to put up more walls and block more people out. That’s what I want so badly to do but I know that will only make things worse. I try to remind myself that it’s not all bad and that the right guy will come along soon but I think my heart has realized that my brain doesn’t actually believe what it’s saying. I’m trying not to get down. It’s just so difficult when practically everyone around you either has a boyfriend/girlfriend or has someone they’re interested in/someone interested in them. I get so tired of hearing about everyone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that after a while it seems like they’re rubbing it in. I highly doubt that is their intention, it just seems that way sometimes.

So here I sit again, wondering when I’ll find someone, when I’ll finally be ok with my relationship status, and when I’ll understand why I do some of the stupid things I do like get mad, reclusive, and depressed over small things.

I guess I’ll just immerse myself in weightlifting, music, and design until I can figure out how to deal with my issues.

Waiting For The Outcome

These past couple weeks have been great. Very little struggles. But tonight, I’m struggling. Not in the sense that my life is a wreck and I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m struggling with loneliness. There’s no one here that I’ve found that I can connect with. Not to mention I’m still struggling with being OK being single.

The last couple of days I’ve been constantly reminded that I’m not connecting with anyone and if I want to do something I have to do it alone. I’d honestly rather do the things I enjoy alone than with someone who doesn’t get me or that I don’t really click with. I’ve met people here that I get along with and can talk to but none that really get me.

I don’t know if it’s the time of year or what but as soon as the weather turned cooler the struggle to be OK with being single got incredibly more difficult. There’s guys that I could definitely date but none that I really want to spend time with. If I wanted to I could just have someone to date but that’s not what I’m after. I want a life partner. Someone I feel at home with and can trust.

With all that being said, I keep being reminded of how perfect my last relationship was. We understood each other, we shared many interests, I actually wanted to spend time with him and talk to him, I wanted to get to know him better even though we already knew a lot about each other, and the list goes on. He was everything that I want in a man.

Sometimes I wonder why in the world I was allowed to be in that relationship. Was it just to taunt me? To show me what I really wanted? I haven’t a clue and it bothers the living daylights out of me. I wonder why I’m still dealing with this much pain from such a short lived relationship. If God knew that I would fall head over heels over someone that I couldn’t be with, why would he allow me to even be in the relationship in the first place?

In all this I’m trying my hardest to be positive. I’m trying to be open to what I’m supposed to learn in this, but it’s so difficult. Waiting and being patient are not my strong suits as you can probably tell from my past posts. So as I look around at all the happy couples and the newlyweds, I’ll keep trying to trust and keep trying to have faith that this will work out for my good. I don’t understand why at the moment but hopefully I will soon.

Not Easy But Worth It

Waiting does not come easily to me. I am not patient. When something needs to be done, most of the time I’ll just do it myself. I’d rather make sure it gets done right (my version of right) and on time (on my time table). So waiting for someone else to do something is like nails on a chalkboard to me (yes, I’m a bit of a control freak unfortunately). I’ve had the lovely experience of having to wait here recently and I don’t think the situation will be resolved any time soon.

I have been single for a while now so naturally I’m getting kind of lonely. In my last post I talked about all the new things a new semester brings, new relationships being one of them. I’m at a new place with new people so I of course want to be in a new relationship too. I got to the point that I was just finding guys to add in the hopes that one of them would notice and take a liking to me(much to my chagrin). After reading a devotional about dating I was slapped in the face with how petty and impatient I was being.

One of the things I was raised on is that the man should be the pursuer. Call me old-fashioned, I don’t care. In my past experiences of me trying to pursue a guy it’s always ended badly. So I made the decision to not pursue (obviously I’ve had a few mental relapses since those days). I was reminded of this in the devotional I was reading. There’s probably a reason why I’m not in a relationship right now. Maybe it’s just not the right time. Maybe there’s things in me that need to be worked out before I can take on being in a relationship with someone. Maybe the person I’m supposed to marry needs some work. I feel like it’s mostly me that needs the work but it could be both of us.

I really like what she wrote in the devotion about waiting “Men trust God by risking rejection, women trust God by waiting.” I don’t know where she heard or read that but I like it. Does this mean that women should just coldheartedly tell a guy to shove off if she’s not interested? No. Does that give the guy the right to bad mouth or threaten the girl because she doesn’t want to date? No. What I’m saying here is that both parties should be focused on God solely so that when something doesn’t go as we would hope it’s not a huge issue. We trust God to teach us something through it and bring us to what he has in store for us (it’s always a trillion times better than our plans anyway). When he brings someone into our life and he reveals to us that this is the person we will be with for the rest of our life then go for it. Both parties should then make their relationship reflect Christ’s love for the church.

So waiting in essence is preparing both of us to be the people God has called us to be. Maybe we need to experience some things that we wouldn’t otherwise if we were in a relationship. In my opinion, God is allowing us to go through things to make us into the people we need to be both for Him and for our future spouse. Some people are ready quicker than others and that’s OK. I don’t think I would be in the place I am now if I was in a serious relationship. There’s a chance I would’ve chosen a career because the school closest to my significant other offered something that I was somewhat interested in. But instead, I was able to just pack up and move and be in a place where I feel at home. I feel like I belong here and that I’m doing what I was made to do. Maybe the same is for my future spouse. Who knows. I just need to become more comfortable with waiting until God brings the right man into my life. Thankfully, being introverted, I’m ok with being by myself. But, having someone to call my own that is solely interested in me would be nice. It’s just not the time for that now.

This week so far has been easier mentally now that I’ve come to accept the fact that I’ll have to wait on a man. I’m free to do the things that I want to do when I want to do them. I can focus on my classes and activities without having to be concerned with someone else. Over all, I’m trying to view this time as a blessing and trying not to waste it. It’s not easy but I believe in the long-run it will be worth it.

(Image from Bing)

Learning To Love Me

A new semester brings all kinds of new things. New classes, new routines, new places, new friends, and new relationships.

Being an INFJ relationships don’t come easy. I’m not one that can just go out there and meet new people in one night then have lifelong friends from then on out. I take time to get to know people and I won’t just put myself out there. It makes me kind of jealous to see those people who can just strike up a conversation with anyone. I can’t do that. When I want to talk to someone I don’t know I get really nervous and my mind blanks. So unless I notice someone doing something I am familiar with or talking to someone I know I can’t just go be buddy buddy with them.

Also, being 23 and almost finished with college I’m starting to get lonely and worried. I know I have plenty of time to meet people and settle down. Sometimes I just want to start on that whole forever thing so I have more time to spend with the person I’m supposed to be with for life. So that brings me to a point where I’m just torn. I don’t want to go out and waste energy and time for potentially nothing. But, I also want to go out and meet people. This seems to be my dilemma 90% of the time.

I just haven’t figured out how to not suck the life out of myself with parties and events but still meet people. Even though I’m introverted, I still want meaningful friendships and a relationship that I can see actually going somewhere. I will not just date someone just for the sake of dating. I’m not about wasting my time that way. I guess this is just another instance where being an introvert sucks. Trying to learn to love myself as I am in a world that views introverts in a negative light is difficult.

I Hate Waiting…

Adjusting to a new place is difficult. Especially when you struggle to make friends. As an introvert, I don’t just look for anyone to befriend. I can’t be around people that drain me, so that cuts down the possible friend pool a lot.

As I look around at all the other new and transfer students making friends and even finding boyfriends/girlfriends I can’t help but wish I was like that. I wish that sometimes I wasn’t as picky or as particular about who I was willing to spend time with. I wish I were more approachable. I wish I was better at conversation. The list goes on and on. These situations tend to make me feel ashamed to be an introvert. Why can’t I be more like those around me? More like my sister who can talk to anyone and is super approachable.

I know that’s not a healthy way to think but sometimes I can’t help it. Knowing that there are others like me who need time alone, are particular about who they spend their time with, and that aren’t perfect at conversations. Even though we may not have what society thinks is the “ideal personality” we have our gifts and we all compliment each other in different ways.

Trying to be ok with my introverted nature in a world that values extroversion is difficult. I struggle with it some days and others I’m perfectly ok with it. Trying to explain my thought process and needs to new people is both annoying and fun.

In the end, I feel like I value my friendships more because of the work that is put in them, not to say that other’s friendships aren’t as valuable to them. Learning how to be myself in a world that wants me to me different has taught me many lessons and made me stronger in some areas.

I just need to remember that I was created this way for a reason. There is some plan for my life that would not have worked if I had a different personality or background. I just need to be patient and wait for that plan to be shown to me however long it takes.

(Images from Bing)

The Unexpected

Today I moved into my dorm. This was not what I was expecting. Don’t get me wrong, I love the college, I was just expecting to be much more OK with my family leaving and not seeing them on a regular basis. I mean, when school is going on we don’t really see each other much anyway but I guess just having them around is comforting.

I don’t know anyone here. I’m rooming with a stranger. She seems cool and we have a lot in common but I don’t know the first thing about her outside of movies and music. I’m completely 100% out of my comfort zone.

I’m not usually good with change, in small doses, yes, but generally, no. This is a HUGE change. I’m thrown out of my element and my normal routine with nobody familiar. At home, a change in routine is tolerable. Not so here. Not so here.

Making new friends doesn’t come easily to me so just going out and socializing doesn’t work. I don’t have a safe space set up yet when I feel overwhelmed (I would normally just chill in my room but now that I’m sharing a room with someone that’s kind of out of the question at this point). I don’t know any other introverts that can really relate to me. If I’m just losing it I don’t have a sister or best friend that I can just vent to. Yeah, I can call them but with me being so far away I don’t know what their schedules are like.

Everyone says to just give it time, and I will. But right now I’m struggling. I would like to just get past this “getting used to everything” stage and get on to enjoying myself. I’m already over this craziness and what it’s doing to my body. I’ve not felt well all day.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Finally…

I have some exciting news! After months of being unhappy with where I was at in life and being unhappy with my choice of major, I’ve finally settled on one and am so excited about it!

For two years I thought for sure I was supposed to be a music composition major with voice as my main instrument. I spent that time taking the necessary classes and meeting all the requirements. But, for some reason, the more I got into that program, the more unhappy and stressed I became. Don’t get me wrong, I still love music, I just don’t think that getting a career in that field is what I want to do with my life.

After deciding that stress, health problems, grumpiness, and over all unhappiness was not what I wanted in my life every day, I set out to find not only what I wanted to major in but also where I wanted to be. I definitely think that the school you go to has an a part in all that as well. So the next several months I researched schools, majors, and even what other INFJ’s did. I think I’ve taken every free career assessment test known to man. Looking up what other INFJ’s did was basically unproductive because duh, we are all different people. Just because we have the same personality profile doesn’t mean we will all have the same jobs.

So, fast forward to this month. I decided that after I finished this spring semester I would take the summer off from classes and really try to nail down what it was I wanted to do. I’ve looked at several colleges and spoken to several professors from those colleges but only one stood out. So we took a day and went to visit.

It was such a great place! I’m used to small schools since I came from a small private school background so the fact that this one is only a few thousand students makes it that much more appealing. I also made sure to meet with several of the professors I had emailed previously and they are all very welcoming! However, one program stood out to me the most, Digital Media.

It’s no secret, especially among those I’m closest to, that I have a wide range of interests and hobbies. I can be a techie when I want to be  and I can go as far as being into sports like when I was in high school and even theater. With digital media I can combine almost all of the things I’m most interested in. They (the professors) want you to be proficient or at least very knowledgeable in 5 aspects of digital media. Some of those are graphic design, typography, photography, videography, web design, animation, and so forth. You can also choose a specialization like graphic design, web design and coding, and a few others that I can’t remember, but you don’t have to have to follow any of those tracks. That’s where I come in. I will just be doing the digital media degree but I’ll be taking some classes in graphic design, photography, typography, and probably a few others so I’ll have a variety of things that I am capable of doing. I’ll also finish up the classes I have left to get a music minor.

Along with the DM classes,the school offers positions on the newspaper and the magazine they write and some are paid! So I can get experience along with learning, which I think is invaluable.

Along those lines, one of the things I like most about the school and the DM program is they have tons of contacts. So when I graduate or even while I’m still in school, they are able to put me into contact with people in that field so I can get a job or at least some experience in that area. Networking isn’t one of my strengths so I’m pumped that I’ll be going to a school that will help me in that area.

This school and program are definitely the right fit for me and I’m so excited to start this new journey in my life!

You want THAT job??

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” “What do you want to do when you get into college?” “What’s your major?” “Why do you change your major so much?” “Are you ever just going to pick something?” “You’re just going to be a professional student, aren’t you?”

I have heard every one of these questions and others from the time I was little up until today, more so now that I’ve made it evident that I’m not sure what direction I want to go with my life.

Everyone and just about every post or book I’ve read about finding the “right job” for me has mentioned or alluded to the question “As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?” A seemingly simple question, right? Wrong. Even as a child I jumped from things like Veterinarian to a famous singer. I never really stuck to just one future occupation. And those are just things I remember. There is a lot of time from my childhood that is missing from my memory. I have no idea why but I just can’t remember what I was really drawn to.

[Me as a child. Maybe I should be a cow?? I think I could pull it off!]

Growing up, I lived a pretty sheltered childhood. There were several things that were a norm in my life because of my family’s occupations and/or interests. Teaching; several of my family members are/were teachers. Nursing; my mother is a nurse. Music; my grandma is musically inclined. Sports; they were pushed because there wasn’t much else for me to do as a kid. Animals; we’ve always had several different animals and were required to take care of them. So, naturally I would explore those things because the people I was around most knew a lot about them. Now that I’m older and able to explore more things, especially things in the arts, people are getting concerned. I never mentioned those things or tried those kinds of things because there was never an opportunity to learn about them. I was surrounded by a few select things that my family knew and that was it.

Now that I actually have to make some sort of decision people are saying “well I don’t ever remember you being interested in that” at just about everything I mention other than a Vet,  Teacher, or Nurse. Any of those things are acceptable because they are secure jobs, jobs that are always needed. Job security is nice but that’s not what I’m after. Also, with our ever changing society, we don’t know what will actually be around in 10 years outside of just a guess.

Not only do I get those statements but I get “well that won’t make you any money” or “I want you to be able to support yourself and you can’t do that with a job like that“. So, my financial status is much more important than my mental and emotional health?

I realize that getting a job that makes lots of money over a job that you like is a generational difference between me and most of the people telling me these things. But, I also look at some of these people and see how much stress they’re under and how much their job has affected their health because it’s just that much of a chore to do. I do not want that for my life. At all. I would much rather live on a salary that will get me by (pay the bills, put food on the table, etc) than be in the hospital or doctors office all the time because my job is killing me. (I’d end up spending all the extra money I had on prescriptions and hospital/doctor bills)

I guess now that I have the opportunity to explore things, that’s what I want to do. Checking out new things and learning about potential occupations is interesting to me. Now, I’m not just going to explore for the rest of my life (in the sense that I never really pick something and am always mooching off of my family) I’m going to pick something eventually. I just want to make sure it’s the right thing so I don’t have to spend all my time sick or miserable. I want to be able to spend time with family and friends and be able to enjoy it. I want to have time and energy to do other things outside of work that bring me joy or that interest me. I want to be able to continue to explore and expand my knowledge. But I can’t do that if I’m always working or always miserable because of a job I hate.

My family means well, I know. They want me to succeed and not have to depend on them or a man for anything. Will they help me if I need help, definitely. I want those things for me too. However, I want to really live my life and not just get through it. I want to make the most of every day and enjoy the time I have and I don’t think I can do that with a dead end job that makes me hate life. This is why I am making a big deal about picking a major and career. This is why I want to take all the time I can to make a wise decision. I’ve seen the effects of just working for the money and I don’t want that for me.